thebruce's archives fromHALO 2 - I LOVE BEES
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alaranth very cleverly put together stories using the filenames of
axons from each of the varying pages on ilovebees.com... here they are, in full glory:
Men can be such_pigs sometimes. I knew this one, and he was such a big_dog. His favorite thing was going up to a girl, then sniffing her_hair, which usually ended up with her throwing a drink in his face and telling him to hightail it to alaska. There was another guy, who always wore these big_gloves. He said it was because he had big nuts. I bet he had a lot of apartment_squirrels... This one time he was showing off an optical illusion to everyone at a party. It was one of those 3d "seeing eye" pictures of uvular_implants. Weird. He reminded me of an ape really, one of those African slingbacks, or whatever their name is. Always running around, shouting "drink_the_beer"! One night, when he was really annoying me, I was like 'You know, dude, posture_counts'. I mean, who wants to date a monkey? He lived on potato chips most dates, when they really should be just_snacks. Duh. He was so_dense. Potato chips are NOT a food group! A couple weeks ago a friend offered to cook him dinner in exchange for a six-pack of beer. The guy was like 'you drive a hard_bargain because your_first_mistake was trying to get my beer'. My friend remained refreshingly_cool and explained that he was her mr_congeniality.' I couldn't believe she wanted to go wee_wee_wee with him all the way home, but my friend was always odd. I think the years of ballet as a child messed with her head. I have to admit though, she could be a dark_genius at times. During one football game, she threw raw meat at the cheerleaders, and twenty_percent of them quit the squad afterwards. So anyway my friend and this guy got together, and the next day, he gave her a box_of_chocolates... which he delivered kneeling down right on his knee_caps! She wondered how he knew that she liked chocolate. 'i_looked_it_up', he told her. Yeah, whatever. He came to me and was like 'hey_bev', what does your friend like. I should have said fleas or something. It was kind of weird though. There were some chocolate-covered cherries in the box, and in_each_pit was a little flower. To this day I don't know how he got them in there. Either way, it really made her thermostat rise -- hot and bothered, you know. Personally, I think their relationship is clearly_a_glitch.
Growing up, I never thought I'd do anything_illegal. I mean, dude, I totally did not want to go to jail. So when I found myself in a bank, repeating "blue_then_red wire" to myself, it wasn't what I expected. Everything happened awful_fast. I was in my dorm room, writing a to_do list, when all of a sudden these robbers ran into my room! I wish I'd had a panic_button to press! The next thing I knew, I was in a car with a homing pigeon on my lap, a bracelet around my wrist attached to its leg. The head robber, a man named Sue, told me "I'm good_at_my_job, but I need another assistant today." He had three in the car already, other college students wearing these cute_little_caps on their heads. He ran over the plan on the drive, but it was all such a blur. All I can remember is something about code_nothing -- whatever that was supposed to mean. What was my_family going to think about all this? All I was trying to do was study for the drt -- my driving reaction test, so I could drive the campus van at night. I was never a curious_girl. I didn't like danger. The last thing I expected to be doing was "freelance" work for a robber named Sue with only a bracelet to accessorize myself! We arrived at the bank, and Sue told us to do what he said or else he'd shoot us in our trigeminal nerves. Oww! So here I was, cutting wires to a safe, and getting more frustrated by the minute. All this, just because Sue wanted a visa! Apparently, he wanted to go to some Eastern European country to buy a_human_heart for his research experiments. Weirdo. Suddenly, before I could finish what I was doing, I heard our code_word being yelled out. Sue said the standard_procedure to follow when this happened was to stop, drop, and roll. Screw that. I pulled out the shock_sticks he gave us in case of an emergency and ran out the door. Someone handed me a tack_hammer in my other hand, and I continued to run. "Please let some miracles happen," I thought to myself, as I ran under a red light to get away. Only police and stuff are supposed to have an exclusive_license to this weird stuff, not a college student! My previous worry was just being on_time to class! All of a sudden, it just started raining_cops all over the place! I hoped my asset of being a cute female would help me if I got caught. But somehow I managed to escape and run back to my dorm room. A note was waiting for me on the door. It said 'i_hate_you' and was signed 'love, Sue.' How did he get there so fast? I touched the paper, and it was definitely real. Quickly I ripped it up and threw it away in the garbage can to my right. Running my fingers through my pony_tail, I really craved a creamsicle at that moment. Ice cream would make me feel better after my creepy day!
The Princess' hidden audio files - this one the Princess liked so much she included it in her 404 message!
When I put on my formal_wear, complete with commissary_shoes, my_landlady thought I was bound for domestic_bliss. But she didn't know that I was really so_mean. I had a_secret_life, with a really old desktop_model that worked better as a doorstopper. One day she found out and told me I had better relocate before she got out her knockout_gas. I hoped a flower_delivery would make her change her mind, but guess_not. So I went down the street, where a cow_even would hate.
When I was a child, I loved going down to the_labyrinth across the street. There was a huge statue right at the entrance, of a sphinx carrying an english_longbow. I always wondered how she was supposed to shoot with her paws or get arrows out of her quiver, but mother told me not to worry my precious little head about all that. She said it was too busy working out calculus problems instead. I never told her that, every so often, my brain would compose a pretty harmony to the latest rock song to come out. My favorite had to have been this one about Miles standish called "Pilgrims on Parade". One day the cranky_old_man who owned the labyrinth came out when we were playing there. He was very unhappy about us and kept yelling out 'alt_burgundy'! We responded with "maroon!", but he just snorted and threw some sort of artifact at us. It was a bright key_lime green color and had little buttons all over it. We pushed the big red one, and what seemed to be an election speech began to be played, for some political office candidate. 'hello', he said. 'Vote for me!' Seeing has how none of us were old enough to vote except troy, we gave the artifact over to him. Troy was always a weirdo, so he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote us a receipt for the thing, before saying his goodbye and running into the labyrinth. We never saw him again after that. Maybe the old man ate him.
Once upon a time, I had to have surgery to remove a nasty mole on my back. It never really bothered me much, but people were always yelling 'zip_your_shirt'! I think it offended them or something. Geesh. It's not like it was going to up and revolt and lead some insurrection or anything. But it did start turning people one day, so my parents thought it was best to get rid of it. They stopped thinking it was such a good idea after they got the bill. taxes_suck, let me tell you. $1000 surgery, $500 in taxes. I think it was really golf money for the doctors. In the end, I was very_lucky though. If that mole hadn't gone when it did, my entire body might have turned purple! Or maybe a healthy shade of puce. The day after my surgery, I decided to enter a raffle that was a fundraiser for the Mole Foundation of the World. I'm not sure why, but my guess is I was still all tweaked_up on the drugs they gave me. That was fine by me though, since my skin was really hurting. It sucked because I couldn't eat solid foods, and its_a_chicken for dinner, but none for me. Somehow I ended up with the winning ticket, and the prize was a glass bowl. I don't do well with those kinds of things, since I tend to break_em. Mostly because I don't see well without ground_light, and they made us turn off our lamps at 10pm. Those nurses are made of thin_kinkle, I tell ya. One gave me some bubble wrap for the bowl and was like 'would_that_help'? I said no, since I like to pop bubble wrap. In fact, I am unstoppable when it comes to popping bubble wrap. She said if I wasn't careful I was going to catch s_typhi or y-phyllo or f_u or some other weird disease. Whatever. I told her I'd pop bubble wrap at her retirement and if she wasn't nice to me, I'd report her to the surgeon_general for her lack of domestic_skills, not to mention nasty bedside manner. I'm just so much smarter than her. Didn't make her run_for_cover or anything though, so I said 'it'll be all your_fault if I get sick'. She got a wicked gleam in her eye and made me have some drink_special -- orange kool-aid with too much water. Eww. 'Aha! Now you are infected with i_durga!', she shouted at me. I wrinkled my nose and ate some butter_flavored popcorn to rid the watery orange taste from my mouth. But it was strange... At that moment some strangers walked past my room, and I really wanted to kiss_them. Very odd. And actually, from that point on, things were never_right_again. When I got released from the hospital, I was given that glass bowl, and it's something_i_carry all the time now. Just in case the girls_from_guns try to swoop in and kiss me. Cuz that would suck.
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